Extracts from:
REFLECTION ON SILENT RETREAT AT FARA SABINA
11 - 17 November 2001
by Stella Kon

The Silent Retreat was held at the Poor Clares Monastery of Fara Sabina, in a 600 year old castle in the Italian countryside not far from Rome. It was conducted by Fr Laurence and Sr Eileen O'Hea.

There were 13 participants. The retreat began on a Sunday evening and we remained in silence till the next Saturday evening. Each morning began with 25 minutes of meditation, 15 minutes of walking meditation, and another 25 minutes sitting meditation. There was another session like this in the evening, also there was a lunchtime meditation, Mass and evening prayers: altogether 8 periods of sitting meditation and 3 of walking. Each day either Sr Eileen or Fr Laurence gave a teaching for 45 minutes. Each participant was assigned to one of the Spiritual Directors and met with the SD for half an hour each day.

For the first few days I felt overwhelmed by the scenery of the countryside around Fara Sabina. I have never seen a landscape of such complexity and contrast -- from the grandeur of distant snowy mountains to the intricate detail of the nearby countryside. My perceptions usually focus on general impressions rather than on detail. I could not assimilate this flood of detail -- and I couldn't ignore it. In the first few days I tried to sketch the landscape, thus forcing my eyes to look at it inch by inch as it were, distinguishing the different textures of the land, seeing the separate pieces of the tapestry of fields and olive groves and forests. Only then could my glance begin to comprehend the landscape, and I could sort of rest in contemplation of it.

There was also the old castle/monastery, again I never saw anything like this. I roamed around the passages and stairs, trying to comprehend the layout. The castle was a maze of twisting corridors and stairs and doors and landings. There was no simple way from "here" to there" -- but several alternative routes. Passages with cleanly plastered walls and modern lighting, and stairs gleaming with marble or stylish ceramic tiles, seemed to promise smooth and easy communication -- and delivered confusion instead.

Exploring in the castle and in the grounds, I had a sense of secrets unfolding. I found balconies and terraces all to myself; little chapels where no one ever seemed to come; rooms abandoned half-way rebuilt; an old laundry room with dust in the wood-burning stoves. Perhaps, a metaphor for the psyche, with glossy surface appearance, hidden secrets, and dusty forgotten corners! In the deeper layers of the castle, the original bed-rock juts out into the corners of the stairs.

In the first conference with Fr Laurence I told him that my habit was to try to be still and centred, then repeat the mantra while keeping one eye, as it were, on the centredness. He pointed out the obvious fact that I was not paying single attention to the mantra! So for the next few sessions I tried to say the mantra mindfully. Hard going, I thought this is what John Main means by the work of meditation!

Meanwhile I was having this trouble with the walking meditation. When I do taiqi, I am centered, balanced, and mindful as I do the movements. I was trying to find a way of walking with this kind of centredness, and I couldn't get the balance or the body control. I was getting ready to wail about this to Fr Laurence, when while practicing along the corridors I discovered a way of mindful walking. It was like mastering a dance-step. The gait swayed with a regular and controlled shift of balance. I had rhythm, I was cool! I was balanced, centered, relaxed and alert. I could do it at a steady, measured pace while taking big or small steps to adjust the miles per hour. I was ready to walk like this for miles!

Then when we came to meditate -- I found that the measured rhythm of this walking had entered my meditation. The mantra was singing along to the beat. I found that I did not have to work at saying the mantra. I just had to be still, and listen, as one might listen to hear the tick of a big clock always present in the background -- and there would be the beat, and the mantra, swinging along by itself.

In later days I found where John Main says, "We each find our own speed for saying the mantra … say it to the rhythm you find for yourself." I do not know whether I will lose this rhythm as time goes by. In subsequent hectic days of travelling I sort of lost sight of the beat, and had to go and walk for a while to rediscover it. I hope that I will be able to incorporate this beat, this rhythm, this mindful dance, into my daily travel -- and into the fabric of my life.

Fr Laurence's teachings were centred on the six challenging questions that Jesus asked in the Gospels. Sr Eileen's teachings were about how Jesus is present in everything that exists.

Words are a mask
too often.
May my speech be as true as my silence.

Stella Kon, Ipoh,
November 29, 2001

to read more poems from Fara Sabina, please click here...